Fatal Attraction - 1987

Chandler - 12/31/12

The only problem with Fatal Attraction... is Glenn Close isn't attractive. The characters in the movie try to sell you on it, but she looks like a young Mrs. Doubtfire. Thankfully, she's excellent at playing my ex-girlfriend a crazy bitch who will break into your home and spy on you through your bedroom window. Twenty-five years after the film was released, it's still unnerving and creepy. Jaws made people never want to swim again... but FA made guys never want to date again. Or cheat on their wives. Yeah... that too.

Rating - 3

Platoon - 1986

Chandler - 12/24/12

Remember when Charlie Sheen wasn't a mockery of himself? When he was actually on pace to be a good actor, following in his father's footsteps? Well that all came crashing down after he starred in Major League. But before then... there was Platoon.

Platoon has a pretty good cast, although most of the actors weren't famous yet: Sheen, Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, Kevin Dillon, Johnny Depp, Forest Whitaker... etc etc. It's pretty much your basic Vietnam movie with an emphasis on realism, and a nod to the My Lai Massacre. The film highlights the clusterfuck-ness of guerrilla warfare and the disconnect between officers and infantrymen during the war. Platoon is not nearly as epic as Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now, but it's worth a watch if you like war movies.

Rating - 3

Citizen Kane - 1941

Chandler - 12/21/12

Citizen Kane is ranked #1 on AFI's best movies of all time list. It is not the best movie of all time.

I hated this movie. But it deserves to be on The List and everyone should probably watch it. Let's list a few reasons why "film snobs" rate this movie so high:

- CK introduced the world to "deep focus," which is when everything in a single shot is in focus, no matter the distance from the camera.
- It was one of the first films to use a lot of low angle shots, where you'd actually see a ceiling of a room.
- It's one of the first movies to use flashbacks and multiple narrators.
- Orson Welles uses the technique of fast-forwarding time through a montage. Totally blew people's minds in the 1940's.
- Countless special effects, make-up and soundtrack techniques were pioneered by CK.
- William Randolph Hearst, who the film is based on, was still alive during the release. This greatly pissed off Hearst and caused a lot of drama. This is actually pretty cool and there's some good documentaries I need to watch regarding the subject.

Alright, so the film is crazy important to every single movie you've ever seen since its creation. This is why you should see it. But the story is painfully slow. We're now desensitized to the groundbreaking aspects, and we don't have enough patience for a monotonous narrative. It's a shame, but Citizen Kane ironically gets a #1 rating on my scale.

Rating - 1

In the Loop - 2009

Chandler - 12/21/12

In the Loop is a British satire of events leading to the 2003 invasion of Iraq. A simple and somewhat bumbling politician in Great Britain accidentally makes comments alluding to war in the Middle East. These comments, fueled by the media, spiral out of control as the United States attempts to justify an inevitable invasion. Based on alleged true events, the film's premise is a bit weak at times. But the vulgar dialog is entertaining enough to keep you engaged. If you're a fan of political satire, this is a good movie that pokes fun at the overwhelmingly bureaucratic governments leading the free world.

Rating - 2

Premium Rush - 2012

Geoff - 12/20/12 

Premium Rush is about a bike messenger (Joseph Gordon Levitt) who has 90 minutes to make a delivery that is also wanted by a crooked cop with a gambling addiction. Now this isn't like all of the other bike messenger/gambler cop movies you've seen.. no, no. This movie has bike chases, bike accidents and... well you can imagine the entire plot. It's the kind of storyline you'd make up if you were trying to think up what a bike messenger movie would be. It gives you no surprises and no reason to care.

Premium Rush is super predictable and doesn't bring a whole lot to the table. Dania Ramirez is in it.. so I guess there's that. Otherwise, you could probably skip this flick. I can't say I was expecting a lot from the film and it delivered.

Rating - 1

Drive - 2011

 Chandler - 12/18/12

Ryan Gosling is a professional getaway driver who almost never talks. He falls in love with his married neighbor, who has a kid, and a husband in jail. Husband gets out of jail, and Gosling (his character doesn't have a name) inexplicably agrees to help get him out of debt.

Why does Hollywood think we should believe these ridiculous scenarios? Because "love" is that powerful? Especially love involving a married chick and her bastard child?

Whatever... it's a decent movie. But forgettable.

Rating - 2

District 9 - 2009

 Chandler - 12/18/12

Another alien invasion movie? Ugh... Seriously... After Independence Day, do we really need more of these?

Yes. Yes we do. Aliens are awesome. And District 9 is a completely different take on the genre. In fact, it might be the most realistic "invasion" movie I've ever seen.

Aliens are NOT going to invade Earth to harvest our resources or abduct our people. If they have the technology to travel hundreds of millions of miles across space, then our tiny planet is the absolute last thing on their mind. They already know we're here, and they don't give two shits.

Which brings us to District 9. These aliens basically end up here on accident. Most of the aliens on the ship are laborers. All the skilled ones who could repair it to go home are dead. They are literally stuck here on our planet, and now it's our problem to deal with. So what do we do with a large population of immigrants? Same thing we've done multiple times throughout history. Throw their alien ass into a segregated camp.

D9 is a social commentary movie that parallels Apartheid, the Holocaust and Japanese Internment camps. As a history buff, it was a very refreshing look on an old story. Definitely worth a watch.

Rating - 3

The Kid With A Bike - 2011

 Chandler - 12/18/12

Why the fuck did I just watch this movie? Oh... cause it's on The List.

The Kid With a Bike is French film about a kid who's trying to come to grips with his dad being a deadbeat. And what are the French good at? Surrendering. In this film, they totally just gave up on trying to make a compelling story.

From the very first scene, you'll spend 1.5 hours wanting to kick the kids ass. He's horrid, and the fact that some random lady decides to adopt him (totally out of the blue) is inconceivable.

They COULD have made this movie a 2 if the ending was slightly different. But I won't spoil it. Wait... yes I will. If the kid died at the end then I would have rated this higher.

Rating - 1

The Prestige - 2006

 Chandler - 12/17/12

Hey! A movie about feuding and dueling (literally) magicians!

Alright, so The Prestige is pretty entertaining. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale do a great job and there are some really disturbing themes explored in the film. But it could have been left as a dark movie that parallels the fight between Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla, with the one-upping of actual magic tricks. Instead it only alludes to that rift and then springboards off a cameo by Tesla into a supernatural pool of death.

Most people are going to like this film and think it deserves a 3. But I guessed the ending well before the final twist was revealed. And I think the supernatural aspects ruin the credibility of the historical fiction in the movie.

I'm probably being too harsh with this one. But alas:

Rating - 2

Of Gods and Men - 2010

 Chandler - 12/17/12

So you got these Christian monks who live peacefully in a small Algerian town, which is mostly Muslim. They pray all the fucking time. Like it's their job. Because... well... it is their job. This is what monks do. They eat, sleep and breathe their faith in God.

But it makes for a horrible movie.

I do not have the patience of a monk. I need more than just their mundane repetitive rituals to be worthy of my time. Eventually there is some "action" involving Islamic fundamentalists. But that small amount of action at the end of the movie should have been the movie! Of Gods and Men is based on a true story, which isn't even enough to save this film. The epilogue before the credits should have been the story. Instead you just get words on a screen, and a longing for a do-over in your movie selection. Don't waste your time unless you're trying to pad your List stats (like I was).

Rating - 1

The Descendants - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

The Descendants is a movie that highlights all the problems with "The List." But first, let me talk about the plot:

Matt King (George Clooney) is a rich descendant of some Hawaiian prince. Due to a death in the family, he's now in charge of deciding what to do with a large piece of ocean-front land on one of the Hawaiian islands. Also, his wife is in a coma due to a boating accident. And he has two messed-up spoiled daughters, who apparently were ruined by his wife's sluttiness and his workaholic ways. Life lessons ensue.

The film was decent. Better than I thought it would be. There were some laughs, a couple of sad moments... and then a whole lot of annoyances. Everything that Clooney does is the opposite of what I would personally do. His character has no balls and is a complete doormat to those around him. Maybe that makes him an endearing role model to his children? Or more likeable to the audience?

Anyway, back to the problem with The List. Every year there's a new version and every year they feel the need to add a bunch of movies released in the previous 365 days. Obviously this is so they can sell more books. But in order to do this, movies have to be taken OFF the list to make room for the new ones. Of the 29 movies added from 2007-2009... 14 were removed by the 2011 edititon. That's 48% (and climbing each year). If The List were truly accurate, those movies would have never been on there in the first place.

Oh well. The Descendants was decent... but it'll be removed from next year's publication. And that's the sign of a good, solid 2.

Rating - 2

Logorama - 2009

Geoff - 12/17/2012

Logorama is an animated cartoon comprised of almost all corporate logos; an entire universe of logos... not too far from our current reality. Logorama won an academy award for Best Animated Short and is really fun to watch. The story is simple and entertaining with cute, often foul mouthed characters delivering on some good laughs. But the real fun comes in trying to take in all of the logos and trademarks... The first time I saw it I found myself in awe at the sheer creativity and time involved with the clever uses of each logo. There are a ton of hidden gems in the film that I didn't even notice the first time around. As a graphic artist, I was very impressed and as a movie enthusiast I was equally satisfied. This movie won't change your life, but it will definitely entertain you for 16 minutes.

View it online HERE

Rating - 3

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Chandler - 12/23/2012

Awesome short film. One of the most clever I've ever seen. Watch it with the link above!!

Rating - 3

Total Recall - 1990

 

 Chandler - 12/17/12

Total Recall is fun. It was an original story (at the time), where Arnold Schwarzenegger's character wants to implant a new memory in his brain (or wipe out some old ones... or whatever). I'm not sure why it took me 22 years to see this movie, but it still holds up today because Arnold is timeless and the makeup/effects are still awesome. Sure, there are much better action and space movies that were created before Total Recall (Alien, Aliens, Die Hard)... but it's still a solid film. Worth watching if you're a fan of Arnold movies. Or Mars.

Rating - 2

The Artist - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

The Artist is a very artsy and self-aware film. It's a silent picture that tells the story of the downfall of silent pictures. Huh? Very clever, Warner Brothers (France). Anyway, when "talkies" became popular, famous silent actors went through a lot of shit. They were holding on to the past and not always able to embrace change. It's a good story and is very well executed. But a lot of people will find this film boring (as I did from time to time). Basically, it's the best silent film anyone could make in 2011. And that doesn't translate to you needing to watch it.

Rating - 2

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 Geoff - 12/20/12

I completely agree with Chandler! It's the best silent film you could make in 2011. That's why we gave it 3's... wait, Chandler gave it a 2?

The artist is a fun movie about a time in movie history that most people don't know a lot about. I've seen some of the old silent movies and most of them wouldn't hold the attention of today's moviegoers. The Artist manages to be engaging, fun, and even at times sad. I thought it was an excellent movie that makes up for in entertainment value, what it lacks in dialogue.

Rating - 3

Senna - 2010

 Chandler - 12/17/12

I don't watch racing. So I'm not really knowledgeable about the history of Formula One or Ayrton Senna. Apparently the guy was awesome back in the late 1980's and early 90's. Senna is a documentary of his racing career. What surprised me was how many cameras they had on this guy throughout his life, private vacations, closed door meetings with the racing foundation etc etc. I guess camcorders were starting to get big so people filmed everything. It makes for a very compelling story, and it's a great documentary. Watch it. Learn something.

Rating - 3

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 Geoff - 12/20/12

The story of Senna was great. He was an amazing talent that seemed to get better as conditions got worse. He loved the ladies and drove fearlessly. The only problem with Senna, the movie, is the production quality was horrible. I'm not just talking about old footage, I mean the pace of the movie could have been edited better, the interviews seems awkward at times... It seemed a bit like a school project to me in that department. It's definitely worth watching, I just think it could have been made better.

Rating - 2

Shame - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

Alright... so there's this British guy in NYC that is addicted to sex and porn. Which I guess is really just an addiction to getting off. Which guy isn't, right? Well Shame attempts to show sex addiction in all of its destructive glory. And from what I can tell, they did a decent job. However, the movie comes off as... life. It is what it is. The story exists. Millions of people are probably struggling to exist with the constant need to rub one out at work and finding hookers every night. In an attempt to have some sort of conflict, the guy's crazy sister unexpectedly moves in and messes up his routine.

Shame feels real. There's no resolution. But there are a ton of titties. And British penis. So something for everyone? Regardless, the movie took a rarely talked about topic and attempted to be honest. Two points for honesty.

Rating - 2

Le Voyage Dans La Lune - 1902

 Chandler - 12/17/12

Le Voyage Dans La Lune, also known as "A Trip to the Moon." Ever wonder what the music video of Tonight, Tonight (by the Smashing Pumpkins) was based on? Ever wonder what the first ever science fiction movie was?

This is it.

The special effects and story telling techniques changed film forever. So while it's pretty silly now, why not give it a look?

Watch it here. (10.5 minutes long)

Rating - 2


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Geoff - 12/17/12

I enjoyed this tiny epic. I would have given it a 3, but the first few minutes, before going to the moon, felt like 30 minutes, and for a 10 minute picture, that's an eternity.

Once our (Scientists, Astronauts, Gentlemen?) get to the moon, boy do they go all out. They crammed quite a bit of action into the second half of this film, keeping it watchable. I really liked the old-timey special effects and over the top action sequences. You couldn't reproduce that today without it seeming forced and inauthentic, but I'm sure someone will try.

Rating - 2

Tree of Life - 2011

Geoff - 12/16/2012

Let me start by saying Tree of Life is a visually beautiful movie. Well shot with dramatic sequences of plants growing, animals dying, and even a dinosaur or two. The problem is; that's the whole movie. No plot, no sense, and very little dialogue. It's essentially a 3 hour screen saver. It looks to be a lot of stock footage with a bunch of whispered voice overs that may or may not be actual words.

TOL stars Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, and Jessica Chastain... you'd think this would make for a decent cast to get something good on the screen. There are a couple of scenes where Penn mumbles to coworkers and talks on the phone, but it's mostly him wandering around looking lost. Mixed in with shots of Brad Pitt (his dad) letting him punch his hands and yelling at his mom about God knows what.

There are a lot of short choppy scenes which lead me to believe Terrence Malick has ADD and a giant ego. Maybe Malick had a bunch of stock video credits he had to use up before they expired or Perhaps he saw the cinematographer's demo reel and called the guy up.

TM   "Is this Emmanuel Lubezki?"
EL    "Yes"
TM   "I loved your demo reel and I want to work with you on a movie"
EL    "Great, what's the movie about?"
TM   "Nothing...I'm just bored. Maybe it's about EVERYTHING? I'm not sure, I'm too high to care. Actually, any way you can just make your reel two and a half hours long?"

Other reviewers of this movie think it's great cinema, and super artistic. They try to convince you that you're just not smart enough to understand it or it's over your head, because you're not savvy enough for its intricacies. That's shit, the movie is shit. Tree of Life is to cinema what Jackson Pollock is to painting; there is no better comparison.

If you think that is a great painting you'll probably love tree of life and you should also kill yourself.

If I had a time machine that could only be used once, I wouldn't used it to get rich or stop the Holocaust, I'd use it to keep myself from seeing this movie. In essence Tree of Life is Terrence Malick Jerking off for 139 minutes and I'm just not into that.

Rating - 1

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - 2011

Chandler - 12/14/12

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was boring. There are way too many characters, and the plot is a convoluted mess soaking in spy terminology, in an attempt to be a sophisticated mystery. No actor steals the show... and the only memorable scene involves someone unexpectedly getting shot in the face. I wanted to like it (because I like a lot of British movies), but I have no idea why this movie is on The List. There are a ton of better spy movies out there.

Rating - 1

The Last King of Scotland - 2006

Chandler - 12/14/12

The Last King of Scotland...  well... it could have been great. Forest Whitaker does an outstanding job playing Idi Amin, the real-life nut job who murdered his way to the presidency of Uganda. But everyone else in the movie was horrible. The main character, Nicholas, is a complete douche bag. He's a spoiled rich kid who graduates from school, and randomly decides to go to Africa to help out. Once there, he immediately tries to hook up with the main doctors wife (Gillian Anderson), who isn't "happy" because her husband works too hard trying to save dying people who don't have proper access to medicine. What the fuck?

So Nicholas then meets Idi Amin, becomes his personal doctor (thus abandoning the village he was sent to help) and helps make the country worse.

How am I supposed to feel any sort of pity for this kid? The decisions he makes throughout the film are selfish, idiotic and ignorant. I can't even pretend to believe he has good intentions. And when the movie FINALLY gets exciting, they leaving us "hanging" with an unsatisfying ending.

This movie gets a 2 only because Whitaker is awesome, and allegedly very accurate to the portrayal of Amin.

Rating - 2

Ted - 2012

Chandler - 12/14/12

Ted was hyped up as one of the funniest movies ever. In reality, it was the funniest movie since The Hangover. Seth MacFarlane took a crazy idea and made it work thanks to his crude sense of humor. However... it got really slow at the end. And sappy. There definitely could have been more laughs. But hey! Who doesn't like watching a movie with a drunk, talking teddy bear and Mila Kunis?

Rating - 2

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Geoff - 12/20/12

Funniest movie since "The Hangover" doesn't deserve a 3? How far back does a movie have to go? if it was the funniest movie since the Marx Brothers, would Ted then get a 3? Or does there need to be some hieroglyphic of a cave man slipping on a banana peel?

Ted was really funny, I even laughed out loud a few times. Ted isn't going to surprise you; it's exactly what you expect and hope for, a crude talking bear and classic Seth MacFarlane humor. I'm sure it will get ruined by Ted 3-6, but I'd watch it again and laugh some more.

Rating - 3

Boyz 'N the Hood - 1991

Chandler - 12/14/12

Boyz 'N the Hood was probably a groundbreaking movie back in 1991, and I'm sure it was one of the first coming-of-age movies that shed light on issues within the projects and the poor black community. In fact, the U.S. congress designated the film "culturally significant" in 2002 and selected it to be preserved in the National Film Registry. This is a pretty big fucking deal for a movie.

When I watch older movies, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt based on the time period. But there's a limit to how much leeway I can give. And unfortunately, I watched BntH 21 years after it was released... and AFTER I'd already seen Friday and Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood multiple times.

Boyz 'N the Hood just doesn't age well. It's way too preachy and totally not believable. The music is so sappy I expected the Mailman from DbaMtSCWDYJitH to jump out and yell "Message!" every five minutes. Tre (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and his father (Laurance Fishbrne) don't fit in at all, and both would have gotten their ass beat or shot during the 7-year segue. Tre's mother would also never have let her son grow up in South Central. The movie would have been better if they explored reasons why Tre had to move in with his dad, instead of just saying it was because he needed to "learn to be a man."

Bottom line... the life lessons are forced down your throat the entire movie. And it's predictable. Maybe the parodies ruined BntH for me, but I couldn't help but wish I was watching the Wayans brothers' version instead. And that's never a good thing.

Rating - 1

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Geoff - 12/14/12

If only I had a gun tucked into my belt... I would say to you "you gotta problem with this movie?" as I lifted up my shirt. This movie was the first of a genre, and in my opinion has yet to be matched. It's a story that hadn't been told before, and that makes it worth watching. Also, when BntH came out, Ice Cube was the biggest star in the movie. I like that.

Rating - 3