The Illusionist - 2006

Chandler - 1/23/13

Didn't I just watch this movie?

Ohhh... it's another movie about a magician getting revenge for the death of his lover, while some other dude who is into magic tries to figure out his secrets. And it came out the same year as The Prestige?!?

Here are a few things I learned watching this film:

- Edward Norton does a good job playing a monotone, lifeless wandering magician... until he's required to show anger and grief. Then he sucks at acting.
- Jessica Biel continues to be famous for no reason, with zero "breakout" performances on her résumé.
- Paul Giamatti is an underrated actor, which is probably his own fault.

The movie is OK. Nothing special with a disappointing conclusion. The yellow-tint gets annoying too.

Rating - 2

Atonement - 2007

Chandler - 1/15/13

Atonement is almost a great movie. It starts off painfully slow, conjuring up too many memories of Pride and Prejudice*. I began to question my viewing decision as I watched some spoiled rich brat run around whining about a play she wrote. But then Keira Knightley (by far the world's hottest anorexic person**) strips down and jumps into a fountain. Alright, Atonement. You have my attention.

The rest of the film deals with various guilt, pain and emotional suffering as the two main characters attempt to survive WW2 long enough to be united. It's a decent story, but the movie could have been a lot darker.

Sometimes in life you can fuck up so badly that you don't deserve forgiveness. Society places too much value on "I'm sorry," and not enough on the responsibility to not to fuck up in the first place. Far too often we give people a free pass, as if their apology is a sign of an unbearable burden that desperately needs to be lifted. But what about those who were originally wronged? Words and hindsight won't make amends or erase their disappointment.

Basically, I didn't like the end of the movie. It reminded me too much of people I know who selfishly create ways to achieve atonement. Maybe that makes it more realistic?

Rating - 3

*P&P is burned into my brain as one of the most horrible film experiences I've ever seen. It turns out what I was forced to watch in high school was the 1995 British TV series. I actually had no idea that a 2005 film was made, also starring Keira Knightley.

**K. Knight is adamant that she is not anorexic. Please don't sue us, KK. You're perfect the way you are.

Let the Right One In - 2008

Chandler - 1/14/13

A Swedish vampire movie released the same year as Twilight? How unfortunate.

Anyway, Let the Right One In is listed as a horror movie. I hate horror movies. I'm such a wuss and I watch with my hand covering my face most of the time. But this film isn't that scary. So as far as being a good horror film... I think it fails. But it is a good vampire movie, even if it's kinda slow like The Sixth Sense.

Some little kid, Oskar, gets bullied at school. He spends his days dripping snot from his nose and pretending to stab his classmates with a knife he carries. One day a 12 year old girl (played by 12-year old female Elijah Wood) moves in. Turns out she's a vampire and little Oskar finally has a friend.

The vampire is named "Eli." For "Elijah Wood."

What little special effects there are in the movie are done well. It won't blow you away... but you can add Sweden to the list of places not worth visiting.

Rating - 2

Four Lions - 2010

Chandler - 1/11/13

Four Lions is a movie about four dimwitted Muslim Englishmen who attempt to bring the Jihad to Great Britain. Their plan is to become suicide bombers, which seems easy enough... but these guys are idiots. The movie is a great black comedy that gives just as many eye-rolls as it does laughs.

I originally rated this movie a 2, but in hindsight I'm going to make a rare revision to 3. It's fresh, and there aren't enough movies out there with the balls to poke fun at Muslim extremists. All extremists of any cause need to be made fun of. The final sequence of the film is completely ridiculous. Definitely worth a watch.

Rating - 3

Django Unchained - 2012

Geoff - 1/9/13

Django Unchained is written and directed by Quentin Tarantino and follow title character Django (Jaime Foxx) as he shoots his was through the south in 1858, looking for his wife. Django is aided by German bounty hunter/dentist, Dr. Schultz (Christoph Waltz).

The performances in this film alone will win plenty of acclaim, but the story and images make Django Unchained a winner. Sure, you have to wade through typical Taratino violence and language, but that's part of the charm of his films. It keeps the feel of his movies gritty, he seems to like it that way and so do I. There are some hard to watch slavery abuse scenes, but in true Taratino fashion, he also adds in enough comic relief to keep you from shuttering too much.

I can't say I've loved everything Quentin Tarantino has done (From Dusk 'til Dawn), but when he gets it right (Inglorious Basterds), he really nails it. Django Unchained is an excellent ride that you hope never ends.

Look for it to be added to the 1001 list in the future.

Rating - 3

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Chandler - 1/14/13

Django Unchained is probably Tarantino's second best film ever (behind Inglorious Basterds). It was entertaining, and my only complaint is the length of the film. Although... in hindsight I'm not sure what he could cut out. There was some homage to Blazing Saddles... the end remind me of From Dusk 'til Dawn... and the KKK scene was probably the funniest I've watched in a loooooooooong time.

Christoph Waltz is also phenomenal. Give that man an Oscar.

Rating - 3

Shine - 1996

Chandler - 1/7/13

Shine is the based-on-real-life story of David Helfgott, an Australian concert pianist who went from child piano prodigy to adult schizoaffective prodigy. Seriously... this guy is awesome at schizoaffective disorder. That aside, the movie follows his life as a child up until his overbearing father's death. Along the way he shits in a tub and gets naked a lot. Because... music! It sets your ass free.

I'd give this movie more props if I didn't research how most of David's family vehemently disputes almost every depiction of his life. Allegedly, Shine is just a money-grab by his astrologer wife. Also, most music critics say David wasn't even that gifted at the piano. At least... not as gifted as the movie makes him out to be. Classical music snob fight!!

Rating - 2

A Fish Called Wanda - 1988

Chandler - 1/7/13

I'm not really sure what to make of A Fish Called Wanda. It's a quirky British comedy written by John Cleese of Monty Python fame. True to the Monty Python formula, AFCW is filled with over-the-top characters and situations after a diamond heist begins to fall apart. Kevin Kline steals the show, which is odd since he really hasn't done anything decent henceforth (unless you count Dave as "decent"). Basically, the movie is OK... but there are a handful of actual "laugh out loud" moments. Mostly involving the death of small animals, which is always comedic gold.

Rating - 2

This is 40 - 2012

Geoff - 1/4/13

This is 40 is "sort of a sequel" to Knocked Up (2007) and is another comedy crafted by Judd Apatow. Starring Judd's wife, kids, and Paul Rudd. It seems whenever Judd Apatow thinks "family", he thinks of his own, sans himself. This should create some interesting daddy issues for his daughters, but I digress.

Basically the This is 40 is about a couple turning 40 and dealing struggling businesses and mouthy kids. As typical with most of Apatow's films, there are funny, sad, and thought provoking moments as the "almost all Apatow" onscreen family sort out their issues. Apatow always seems to manage to get his character's dialogue to sound real without coming off cheesy of forced.

I actually think this is one of the better Apatow films. It has a unique take on an old story and even gives a couple of laugh out loud moments thanks to Charlyne Yi's quirky character.

Rating - 2

War Horse - 2011

Chandler - 1/3/13

War Horse in two words: "fucking terrible."

A local drunken farmer goes to a horse auction and is taken aback by the sight of a muscular thoroughbred. He wins him in a bidding war against his own landlord, and pays "30 guineas." Unfortunately, Drunkard needs a clydesdale who can actually do farm work. And his impulse buy has now put his farm in the red, and in danger of being reclaimed by the landlord.

"No problem!" exclaims Drunkard. "We'll just plow the ol' rocky field down the hill with THIS horse. And plant us some turnips to save the farm!"

Enter his son, Village Idiot, who develops an unhealthy relationship with the animal during a training montage. He successfully plows the field and plants the turnips, only for a rainstorm to ruin the crop in the next scene. So now the farm is fucked, again. Drunkard is forced to sell War Plow Horse to the military, who wants to use him in World War 1. An officer admittedly over-pays for the horse, at a cost of 30 guineas. The farm is now saved.

Wait, what? So Drunkard broke even on the horse but lost valuable farming time and the cost of turnip seeds... and then still manages to save the farm? He would have been better off staying home and drinking instead of going to the auction in the first place! How fiscally unstable is this farm if losing money on seed is considered a good year? And should Drunkard really be running things? The entire premise told me I was in for 2.5 hours of horse shit.

But it got worse, and I can't ignore the first "epic" scene of this movie. Plow Horse finds himself in a cavalry charge against a German encampment. While initially successful, the Germans retreat to the woods where they have a line of machine guns. Nevermind that they were camping in front of their own defense lines (sigh...), but the Germans were able to mow down hundreds of British soldiers without killing any horses! Spielberg shows at least 40 horses safely reaching the German line sans cavalryman.

GTFO!

A machine gun in WW1 sat on a tripod about two feet off the ground. It's impossible to shoot a rider without taking off the horses head. For someone who created the most realistic Normandy invasion in movie history (Saving Private Ryan), this is unacceptable. Not to mention that in a cavalry battle, you WANT to shoot the horses. They are a much bigger target and the fall makes the rider a sitting duck, if it doesn't kill him.

Eventually, we get to see a good depiction of a trench battle against the Germans, which ends in a mustard gas attack. It's engrossing and you feel for the characters as they stare down inevitable death. Coincidentally, this is also the only part of the film that doesn't have Plow Horse in it.

I'd like to also point out that thoroughbreds die all the time while racing. Yet Plow Horse is able to violently fall all over the place and run through barbed wire without breaking a leg. There must be something in those damn turnips.

There is NO reason this film should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Rating - 1
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Geoff - 1/9/13

War Horse is a long and eventful film that follows a horse named "Joey" through farming, war and back. But what makes this film excellent isn't the horse, it's the people. Joey's journey, and the war are merely a backdrop to all of the characters you get to meet along with way. This movie great because there are so many vignettes each with a new set of people and a new set of circumstances, yet they all have their lives touched by Joey.

There's a particularly great scene set in the middle of the war where the English and German soldiers, pause their battle to come together and rescue our "war horse". This epic keeps you tied in, waiting to see who you get to meet next and often leaves you wanting to follow a few characters further.

Rating - 3