Pan's Labyrinth - 2006

Chandler - 9/16/2013

At its heart, Pan's Labyrinth is about the Spanish Civil War in 1944. The evil Nationalists are hunting Republican rebels, and basically acting like dicks the entire movie as they occupy a small village. Caught in the conflict is Ofelia, a young Spanish girl whose mother is now married to a Nationalist general and pregnant with his baby.

Ofelia is a typical hippie girl, obsessed with stories of fairies and magic. Her real father is dead and her mother is a bit too preoccupied with her new sociopathic husband. So little Ofelia runs though the forest and encounters mythical creatures. Fun.

The real reason to watch this movie is for the special effects. Using mostly makeup and animatronics, the director doesn't shit all over the film with CGI graphics. It's a very welcome change in today's movie industry. And if it weren't for the awesome costumes, this movie would be a waste of time.

Rating - 2

The Lives of Others - 2006

Chandler - 7/22/13

The Lives of Others is a German film about the secret police (the Stasi) in East Berlin. One of the many tasks of the Stasi was to spy on citizens in order to protect the socialistic society. You know... you can't have people defecting to West Berlin or talking shit about Socialism.

But the biggest flaw of an oppressive government is human nature, both good/caring and bad/evil. The more you spy on someone, the more trapped you become in their world.

The movie has a lot of interesting characters and does try to humanize a group of arguably evil people (much like Downfall did with Hitler). It's a pretty good plot that accomplishes a lot with very little, regardless of how historically accurate it may be.

It may not be based on a specific true story, but the window into Eastern Germany life is fascinating. Good movie that I'm rating high because my expectations were so low.

Rating - 3

The Queen - 2006

Chandler - 7/8/13

Judging a book by it's cover, this movie appeared quite boring and stuffy in the usual British way. But The Queen was entertaining. Helen Mirren did an outstanding job as Queen Elizabeth II, and there's some great insight into the days following Princess Diana's death.

I can't really say I paid much attention to the ordeal back in 1997, so the film was interesting. Now all they need to do is make a movie about Diana whoring around. Oh wait... that's in post-production.

Rating - 2

Into the Wild - 2007

Chandler - 4/18/13

I never thought I'd see the day when I let Sean Penn and Eddie Vedder into my house for 2.5 hours, and I didn't want to punch them in the dick afterward. In fact, Kristen Stewart made a 20 minute appearance as herself (a slutty, trailer trash 16 year old)... and I actually don't dislike her anymore today than I did yesterday.

It's a fucking miracle.

Into the Wild starts slow but really picks up steam once it has a chance to give you some back story. Only then did I finally start to sympathize with the main character: a 23 year old kid who decides to run away from society to live a few years off the grid. Basically, he's a homeless man.

What makes this movie worth watching (and I find myself saying this a lot) is that it's based on a true story. And by all accounts, it was pretty damn accurate. The final scene has a major historical inaccuracy, but that's just Sean Penn trying to push the dirty hippie cause. It's also not worth me nit-picking, since he did a pretty good job directing the rest of the film.

Rating - 3

Lincoln - 2012

Chandler - 4/15/13

Geoff hated this movie. He would tell you all his reasons, but he can't remember how to post a quick review of films he's recently seen.

However, I thought it was great. Daniel Day-Lewis was superb as Abraham Lincoln, and his method acting was so intense you really forget you're watching an actor. Sally Field also did a wonderful job as the broken-down and crazy Mary Todd Lincoln.

Sure, the film should have been called "The 13th Amendment." And the fever at which Lincoln fights for and  incorporates the amendment was a bit overblown. But it's still a good look back into that period of our country. The emotional toll the war took on Abe is the most interesting part of the story.

As a person who likes to tell random, long-winded stories... I found Day-Lewis' depiction of the President endearing.

Rating - 3

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Geoff - 4/22/13

Ugh... where to start. Lincoln is really long and probably wouldn't be a bad movie if it were called "The 13th Amendment" and Daniel Day Lewis wasn't being weird. The movie isn't really about Abraham Lincoln at all; this movie could be made with the exact same plot, without ever even having a scene with Lincoln in it.

And what was wrong with Daniel Day Lewis, you ask? He won an Oscar. He won an Oscar for the same reason Chandler mentioned, you forgot it was DDL when you were watching. The problem is he had some weird voice, and he told the semi-humorous long winded stories throughout the movie. Maybe that's how Lincoln was, maybe not. The point is, it was a huge distraction, and I found it extremely annoying.

And then, you get robbed of the payoff in the end of the movie, because the assassination scene was a complete letdown. Hey, Spielberg, how 'bout we skip just one of those lame anecdotes and toss in a a quick scene someone might actually want to see.


Rating - 1

Serpico - 1973

Chandler - 3/14/13

Great movie starring Al Pacino as a young undercover cop in NYC, who is disgusted with the corruption in the police force. Serpico is based on the biography of Frank Serpico, who was the first officer in NYC to uncover the scandalous activity.

There's not much to say about the film. It's well done, and you can clearly see how influential it is. Also... Al Pacino is pretty badass, which is to be expected since he filmed this between the Godfather movies.

Watch it.

Rating - 3

A Separation - 2011

Chandler - 3/12/13

A Separation is an Iranian film about a wife who files for divorce, and the issues it causes their immediate family and acquaintances.

It was a well done and honest story, which seemed to provide a good view into Iranian culture. The class, legal and religious institutions all play a key role in the conflict and resolution of the characters, just as you might imagine they do in Iran.

Good movie... good story... very insightful...

But probably not entertaining enough for most American viewers.

Rating - 2

The Host - 2006

Chandler - 3/11/13

The Host is a South Korean monster movie about a mutated fish in the Han River. The US poster has three quotes on it:

• "One of the greatest monster movies ever made."
• "On par with Jaws."
• "A knockout monster movie."

Upon its release, it set a South Korean record by selling 10 million tickets in just twenty one days. It won best film at the Asian Film Awards and Blue Dragon Film Awards. It made over $80 million dollars profit, more than 700% the cost of the film. It is critically acclaimed by the movie industry,  including Quentin Tarantino.

And... it's a waste of time.

The film doesn't know what it is. On one hand, we're led to believe it is a scary monster movie... but that fails miserably. The melodramatic acting, music, gags and fart jokes make you think it's a comedy (maybe even a self-aware movie like Gremlins)... but The Host provides more eye-rolls than laughs. And the movie is filled with examples of pollution, bureaucracy failures, American military occupation, Western arrogance, South Korean youth protests and lower-class poverty... so maybe it's a political satire? Perhaps... but it really comes off making South Koreans look stupid. I can't imagine this is what the director was trying to achieve.

The production value was high, but the CGI moster looked like crap. Basically, I'm not better off having watched this film.

Rating - 1

Argo - 2012

Chandler - 3/4/13

I saw this movie in the theater last year, but now that it won Best Picture, I imagine they'll add it to The List in the next revision.

Argo was OK. Ben Affleck did a great job as director and a mediocre job as the lead character. The problem with this movie is they didn't have much to work with. It's an excellent real-life story that is better fit for a History Channel special. Almost every interesting aspect (outside the initial embassy raid) was stretching the true events of the operation. You know how this movie ends, and the way they show it is overly desperate for some drama that didn't exist. It made me roll my eyes.

John Goodman and Alan Arkin are excellent, and really save the film.

But if you want to watch historical non-fiction about Muslims kidnapping white people... watch Munich. It's a much better story with actual conflict. Argo is a poor man's Munich.

Rating - 2

The Pianist - 2002

Chandler - 2/7/13

When director Roman Polanski isn't having sex with 13 year old girls, he makes some pretty decent movies.

The Pianist is no exception. Unlike the movie Shine, which I also just watched, there isn't much piano playing in Polanski's story. Instead... there's a lot of Germans killing Jews.

The Pianist is a biographical film of a Polish-Jewish piano player, who gets "stuck" in Poland during WW2. The movie follows the establishment of the Warsaw Ghetto, the failed uprising and eventually liberation by the Soviet Army.

It's a pretty accurate film, with a lot of great detail given to the Warsaw Ghetto. It's also pretty disturbing at times, as the German government moves from humiliation, to containment to extermination (resulting in the death of over 300,000 Jews from the ghetto alone).

Worth a watch, especially for the historical context.

Rating - 3

Atonement - 2007

Chandler - 1/15/13

Atonement is almost a great movie. It starts off painfully slow, conjuring up too many memories of Pride and Prejudice*. I began to question my viewing decision as I watched some spoiled rich brat run around whining about a play she wrote. But then Keira Knightley (by far the world's hottest anorexic person**) strips down and jumps into a fountain. Alright, Atonement. You have my attention.

The rest of the film deals with various guilt, pain and emotional suffering as the two main characters attempt to survive WW2 long enough to be united. It's a decent story, but the movie could have been a lot darker.

Sometimes in life you can fuck up so badly that you don't deserve forgiveness. Society places too much value on "I'm sorry," and not enough on the responsibility to not to fuck up in the first place. Far too often we give people a free pass, as if their apology is a sign of an unbearable burden that desperately needs to be lifted. But what about those who were originally wronged? Words and hindsight won't make amends or erase their disappointment.

Basically, I didn't like the end of the movie. It reminded me too much of people I know who selfishly create ways to achieve atonement. Maybe that makes it more realistic?

Rating - 3

*P&P is burned into my brain as one of the most horrible film experiences I've ever seen. It turns out what I was forced to watch in high school was the 1995 British TV series. I actually had no idea that a 2005 film was made, also starring Keira Knightley.

**K. Knight is adamant that she is not anorexic. Please don't sue us, KK. You're perfect the way you are.

Let the Right One In - 2008

Chandler - 1/14/13

A Swedish vampire movie released the same year as Twilight? How unfortunate.

Anyway, Let the Right One In is listed as a horror movie. I hate horror movies. I'm such a wuss and I watch with my hand covering my face most of the time. But this film isn't that scary. So as far as being a good horror film... I think it fails. But it is a good vampire movie, even if it's kinda slow like The Sixth Sense.

Some little kid, Oskar, gets bullied at school. He spends his days dripping snot from his nose and pretending to stab his classmates with a knife he carries. One day a 12 year old girl (played by 12-year old female Elijah Wood) moves in. Turns out she's a vampire and little Oskar finally has a friend.

The vampire is named "Eli." For "Elijah Wood."

What little special effects there are in the movie are done well. It won't blow you away... but you can add Sweden to the list of places not worth visiting.

Rating - 2

Four Lions - 2010

Chandler - 1/11/13

Four Lions is a movie about four dimwitted Muslim Englishmen who attempt to bring the Jihad to Great Britain. Their plan is to become suicide bombers, which seems easy enough... but these guys are idiots. The movie is a great black comedy that gives just as many eye-rolls as it does laughs.

I originally rated this movie a 2, but in hindsight I'm going to make a rare revision to 3. It's fresh, and there aren't enough movies out there with the balls to poke fun at Muslim extremists. All extremists of any cause need to be made fun of. The final sequence of the film is completely ridiculous. Definitely worth a watch.

Rating - 3

Django Unchained - 2012

Geoff - 1/9/13

Django Unchained is written and directed by Quentin Tarantino and follow title character Django (Jaime Foxx) as he shoots his was through the south in 1858, looking for his wife. Django is aided by German bounty hunter/dentist, Dr. Schultz (Christoph Waltz).

The performances in this film alone will win plenty of acclaim, but the story and images make Django Unchained a winner. Sure, you have to wade through typical Taratino violence and language, but that's part of the charm of his films. It keeps the feel of his movies gritty, he seems to like it that way and so do I. There are some hard to watch slavery abuse scenes, but in true Taratino fashion, he also adds in enough comic relief to keep you from shuttering too much.

I can't say I've loved everything Quentin Tarantino has done (From Dusk 'til Dawn), but when he gets it right (Inglorious Basterds), he really nails it. Django Unchained is an excellent ride that you hope never ends.

Look for it to be added to the 1001 list in the future.

Rating - 3

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Chandler - 1/14/13

Django Unchained is probably Tarantino's second best film ever (behind Inglorious Basterds). It was entertaining, and my only complaint is the length of the film. Although... in hindsight I'm not sure what he could cut out. There was some homage to Blazing Saddles... the end remind me of From Dusk 'til Dawn... and the KKK scene was probably the funniest I've watched in a loooooooooong time.

Christoph Waltz is also phenomenal. Give that man an Oscar.

Rating - 3

Shine - 1996

Chandler - 1/7/13

Shine is the based-on-real-life story of David Helfgott, an Australian concert pianist who went from child piano prodigy to adult schizoaffective prodigy. Seriously... this guy is awesome at schizoaffective disorder. That aside, the movie follows his life as a child up until his overbearing father's death. Along the way he shits in a tub and gets naked a lot. Because... music! It sets your ass free.

I'd give this movie more props if I didn't research how most of David's family vehemently disputes almost every depiction of his life. Allegedly, Shine is just a money-grab by his astrologer wife. Also, most music critics say David wasn't even that gifted at the piano. At least... not as gifted as the movie makes him out to be. Classical music snob fight!!

Rating - 2

A Fish Called Wanda - 1988

Chandler - 1/7/13

I'm not really sure what to make of A Fish Called Wanda. It's a quirky British comedy written by John Cleese of Monty Python fame. True to the Monty Python formula, AFCW is filled with over-the-top characters and situations after a diamond heist begins to fall apart. Kevin Kline steals the show, which is odd since he really hasn't done anything decent henceforth (unless you count Dave as "decent"). Basically, the movie is OK... but there are a handful of actual "laugh out loud" moments. Mostly involving the death of small animals, which is always comedic gold.

Rating - 2

War Horse - 2011

Chandler - 1/3/13

War Horse in two words: "fucking terrible."

A local drunken farmer goes to a horse auction and is taken aback by the sight of a muscular thoroughbred. He wins him in a bidding war against his own landlord, and pays "30 guineas." Unfortunately, Drunkard needs a clydesdale who can actually do farm work. And his impulse buy has now put his farm in the red, and in danger of being reclaimed by the landlord.

"No problem!" exclaims Drunkard. "We'll just plow the ol' rocky field down the hill with THIS horse. And plant us some turnips to save the farm!"

Enter his son, Village Idiot, who develops an unhealthy relationship with the animal during a training montage. He successfully plows the field and plants the turnips, only for a rainstorm to ruin the crop in the next scene. So now the farm is fucked, again. Drunkard is forced to sell War Plow Horse to the military, who wants to use him in World War 1. An officer admittedly over-pays for the horse, at a cost of 30 guineas. The farm is now saved.

Wait, what? So Drunkard broke even on the horse but lost valuable farming time and the cost of turnip seeds... and then still manages to save the farm? He would have been better off staying home and drinking instead of going to the auction in the first place! How fiscally unstable is this farm if losing money on seed is considered a good year? And should Drunkard really be running things? The entire premise told me I was in for 2.5 hours of horse shit.

But it got worse, and I can't ignore the first "epic" scene of this movie. Plow Horse finds himself in a cavalry charge against a German encampment. While initially successful, the Germans retreat to the woods where they have a line of machine guns. Nevermind that they were camping in front of their own defense lines (sigh...), but the Germans were able to mow down hundreds of British soldiers without killing any horses! Spielberg shows at least 40 horses safely reaching the German line sans cavalryman.

GTFO!

A machine gun in WW1 sat on a tripod about two feet off the ground. It's impossible to shoot a rider without taking off the horses head. For someone who created the most realistic Normandy invasion in movie history (Saving Private Ryan), this is unacceptable. Not to mention that in a cavalry battle, you WANT to shoot the horses. They are a much bigger target and the fall makes the rider a sitting duck, if it doesn't kill him.

Eventually, we get to see a good depiction of a trench battle against the Germans, which ends in a mustard gas attack. It's engrossing and you feel for the characters as they stare down inevitable death. Coincidentally, this is also the only part of the film that doesn't have Plow Horse in it.

I'd like to also point out that thoroughbreds die all the time while racing. Yet Plow Horse is able to violently fall all over the place and run through barbed wire without breaking a leg. There must be something in those damn turnips.

There is NO reason this film should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Rating - 1
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Geoff - 1/9/13

War Horse is a long and eventful film that follows a horse named "Joey" through farming, war and back. But what makes this film excellent isn't the horse, it's the people. Joey's journey, and the war are merely a backdrop to all of the characters you get to meet along with way. This movie great because there are so many vignettes each with a new set of people and a new set of circumstances, yet they all have their lives touched by Joey.

There's a particularly great scene set in the middle of the war where the English and German soldiers, pause their battle to come together and rescue our "war horse". This epic keeps you tied in, waiting to see who you get to meet next and often leaves you wanting to follow a few characters further.

Rating - 3

Fatal Attraction - 1987

Chandler - 12/31/12

The only problem with Fatal Attraction... is Glenn Close isn't attractive. The characters in the movie try to sell you on it, but she looks like a young Mrs. Doubtfire. Thankfully, she's excellent at playing my ex-girlfriend a crazy bitch who will break into your home and spy on you through your bedroom window. Twenty-five years after the film was released, it's still unnerving and creepy. Jaws made people never want to swim again... but FA made guys never want to date again. Or cheat on their wives. Yeah... that too.

Rating - 3

Platoon - 1986

Chandler - 12/24/12

Remember when Charlie Sheen wasn't a mockery of himself? When he was actually on pace to be a good actor, following in his father's footsteps? Well that all came crashing down after he starred in Major League. But before then... there was Platoon.

Platoon has a pretty good cast, although most of the actors weren't famous yet: Sheen, Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, Kevin Dillon, Johnny Depp, Forest Whitaker... etc etc. It's pretty much your basic Vietnam movie with an emphasis on realism, and a nod to the My Lai Massacre. The film highlights the clusterfuck-ness of guerrilla warfare and the disconnect between officers and infantrymen during the war. Platoon is not nearly as epic as Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now, but it's worth a watch if you like war movies.

Rating - 3

Citizen Kane - 1941

Chandler - 12/21/12

Citizen Kane is ranked #1 on AFI's best movies of all time list. It is not the best movie of all time.

I hated this movie. But it deserves to be on The List and everyone should probably watch it. Let's list a few reasons why "film snobs" rate this movie so high:

- CK introduced the world to "deep focus," which is when everything in a single shot is in focus, no matter the distance from the camera.
- It was one of the first films to use a lot of low angle shots, where you'd actually see a ceiling of a room.
- It's one of the first movies to use flashbacks and multiple narrators.
- Orson Welles uses the technique of fast-forwarding time through a montage. Totally blew people's minds in the 1940's.
- Countless special effects, make-up and soundtrack techniques were pioneered by CK.
- William Randolph Hearst, who the film is based on, was still alive during the release. This greatly pissed off Hearst and caused a lot of drama. This is actually pretty cool and there's some good documentaries I need to watch regarding the subject.

Alright, so the film is crazy important to every single movie you've ever seen since its creation. This is why you should see it. But the story is painfully slow. We're now desensitized to the groundbreaking aspects, and we don't have enough patience for a monotonous narrative. It's a shame, but Citizen Kane ironically gets a #1 rating on my scale.

Rating - 1