My Week with Marilyn - 2011

Rachael - 5/9/13

With movies like War Horse, The Descendants, and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy rounding out the extensive list of nominees for best picture in the 84th Academy Awards, I’m surprised My Week with Marilyn did not make the list. Michelle Williams did rightfully win the Golden Globe for best actress and probably would have won the Oscar if not for Meryl Streep being her competition.

The success of this movie, as Marilyn Monroe’s actual movies did, hinged simply on Marilyn’s existence. There was no real storyline, there was no plot. You’re watching purely to be enraptured by Williams, who nails Monroe so perfectly you forget they’re not one in the same. Because of that, it’s hard to treat this as a movie review and not a character analysis on Marilyn. I’m not even going to try to fight it.

There were so many reasons to hate Marilyn. She was always late, rubbing it in everyone’s face she was worthy of them waiting on her. She was an attention whore, always pulling some stunt to get everyone to come running to fawn on her. She was fake: she developed a character to get attention and then forgot how to turn it off. She was not a good actress. She was a constant insecurity that needed to be told 100x a day how wonderful she was in all the ways. She was abused and abandoned as a child, leaving her with severe abandonment issues as an adult. She fell in love with men constantly purely because they were there, giving her attention. She constantly played dumb. She was addicted to pills and alcohol. She was an actual whore, sleeping with the President for God’s sake, and used miscarriages and abortions as a form of birth control. She used people to make her feel better and then moved on like they never existed. The world revolved around her and she blatantly abused it.

And yet beyond all that she had this ability, not lost in this movie, to make you want to give her attention. To make you want to play along in her act. To make you want to be used by her. Anything to just be in her presence. She had a way about her I don’t think will ever be duplicated by another celebrity. Without it I imagine she’d be the Lindsay Lohan of her time. Her assets were magnetic and her flaws only amplified that magnetism. At the end of the movie, you don’t care that there wasn’t much to it, you just don’t want Marilyn to leave you either. You begin to think a plot would have been a distraction from your time with Marilyn.

That being said, with more substance this movie would have been a 3, on par with a movie like The King’s Speech. But because it hinges on the ploy that is Monroe’s charm, as-is it’s a strong 2.

Rating - 2

Take Shelter - 2011

 
Geoff - 4/22/13

This movie should have been titled: "Take me to the counter and give me my money back".

Rating - 1

A Separation - 2011

Chandler - 3/12/13

A Separation is an Iranian film about a wife who files for divorce, and the issues it causes their immediate family and acquaintances.

It was a well done and honest story, which seemed to provide a good view into Iranian culture. The class, legal and religious institutions all play a key role in the conflict and resolution of the characters, just as you might imagine they do in Iran.

Good movie... good story... very insightful...

But probably not entertaining enough for most American viewers.

Rating - 2

War Horse - 2011

Chandler - 1/3/13

War Horse in two words: "fucking terrible."

A local drunken farmer goes to a horse auction and is taken aback by the sight of a muscular thoroughbred. He wins him in a bidding war against his own landlord, and pays "30 guineas." Unfortunately, Drunkard needs a clydesdale who can actually do farm work. And his impulse buy has now put his farm in the red, and in danger of being reclaimed by the landlord.

"No problem!" exclaims Drunkard. "We'll just plow the ol' rocky field down the hill with THIS horse. And plant us some turnips to save the farm!"

Enter his son, Village Idiot, who develops an unhealthy relationship with the animal during a training montage. He successfully plows the field and plants the turnips, only for a rainstorm to ruin the crop in the next scene. So now the farm is fucked, again. Drunkard is forced to sell War Plow Horse to the military, who wants to use him in World War 1. An officer admittedly over-pays for the horse, at a cost of 30 guineas. The farm is now saved.

Wait, what? So Drunkard broke even on the horse but lost valuable farming time and the cost of turnip seeds... and then still manages to save the farm? He would have been better off staying home and drinking instead of going to the auction in the first place! How fiscally unstable is this farm if losing money on seed is considered a good year? And should Drunkard really be running things? The entire premise told me I was in for 2.5 hours of horse shit.

But it got worse, and I can't ignore the first "epic" scene of this movie. Plow Horse finds himself in a cavalry charge against a German encampment. While initially successful, the Germans retreat to the woods where they have a line of machine guns. Nevermind that they were camping in front of their own defense lines (sigh...), but the Germans were able to mow down hundreds of British soldiers without killing any horses! Spielberg shows at least 40 horses safely reaching the German line sans cavalryman.

GTFO!

A machine gun in WW1 sat on a tripod about two feet off the ground. It's impossible to shoot a rider without taking off the horses head. For someone who created the most realistic Normandy invasion in movie history (Saving Private Ryan), this is unacceptable. Not to mention that in a cavalry battle, you WANT to shoot the horses. They are a much bigger target and the fall makes the rider a sitting duck, if it doesn't kill him.

Eventually, we get to see a good depiction of a trench battle against the Germans, which ends in a mustard gas attack. It's engrossing and you feel for the characters as they stare down inevitable death. Coincidentally, this is also the only part of the film that doesn't have Plow Horse in it.

I'd like to also point out that thoroughbreds die all the time while racing. Yet Plow Horse is able to violently fall all over the place and run through barbed wire without breaking a leg. There must be something in those damn turnips.

There is NO reason this film should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Rating - 1
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Geoff - 1/9/13

War Horse is a long and eventful film that follows a horse named "Joey" through farming, war and back. But what makes this film excellent isn't the horse, it's the people. Joey's journey, and the war are merely a backdrop to all of the characters you get to meet along with way. This movie great because there are so many vignettes each with a new set of people and a new set of circumstances, yet they all have their lives touched by Joey.

There's a particularly great scene set in the middle of the war where the English and German soldiers, pause their battle to come together and rescue our "war horse". This epic keeps you tied in, waiting to see who you get to meet next and often leaves you wanting to follow a few characters further.

Rating - 3

Drive - 2011

 Chandler - 12/18/12

Ryan Gosling is a professional getaway driver who almost never talks. He falls in love with his married neighbor, who has a kid, and a husband in jail. Husband gets out of jail, and Gosling (his character doesn't have a name) inexplicably agrees to help get him out of debt.

Why does Hollywood think we should believe these ridiculous scenarios? Because "love" is that powerful? Especially love involving a married chick and her bastard child?

Whatever... it's a decent movie. But forgettable.

Rating - 2

The Kid With A Bike - 2011

 Chandler - 12/18/12

Why the fuck did I just watch this movie? Oh... cause it's on The List.

The Kid With a Bike is French film about a kid who's trying to come to grips with his dad being a deadbeat. And what are the French good at? Surrendering. In this film, they totally just gave up on trying to make a compelling story.

From the very first scene, you'll spend 1.5 hours wanting to kick the kids ass. He's horrid, and the fact that some random lady decides to adopt him (totally out of the blue) is inconceivable.

They COULD have made this movie a 2 if the ending was slightly different. But I won't spoil it. Wait... yes I will. If the kid died at the end then I would have rated this higher.

Rating - 1

The Descendants - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

The Descendants is a movie that highlights all the problems with "The List." But first, let me talk about the plot:

Matt King (George Clooney) is a rich descendant of some Hawaiian prince. Due to a death in the family, he's now in charge of deciding what to do with a large piece of ocean-front land on one of the Hawaiian islands. Also, his wife is in a coma due to a boating accident. And he has two messed-up spoiled daughters, who apparently were ruined by his wife's sluttiness and his workaholic ways. Life lessons ensue.

The film was decent. Better than I thought it would be. There were some laughs, a couple of sad moments... and then a whole lot of annoyances. Everything that Clooney does is the opposite of what I would personally do. His character has no balls and is a complete doormat to those around him. Maybe that makes him an endearing role model to his children? Or more likeable to the audience?

Anyway, back to the problem with The List. Every year there's a new version and every year they feel the need to add a bunch of movies released in the previous 365 days. Obviously this is so they can sell more books. But in order to do this, movies have to be taken OFF the list to make room for the new ones. Of the 29 movies added from 2007-2009... 14 were removed by the 2011 edititon. That's 48% (and climbing each year). If The List were truly accurate, those movies would have never been on there in the first place.

Oh well. The Descendants was decent... but it'll be removed from next year's publication. And that's the sign of a good, solid 2.

Rating - 2

The Artist - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

The Artist is a very artsy and self-aware film. It's a silent picture that tells the story of the downfall of silent pictures. Huh? Very clever, Warner Brothers (France). Anyway, when "talkies" became popular, famous silent actors went through a lot of shit. They were holding on to the past and not always able to embrace change. It's a good story and is very well executed. But a lot of people will find this film boring (as I did from time to time). Basically, it's the best silent film anyone could make in 2011. And that doesn't translate to you needing to watch it.

Rating - 2

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 Geoff - 12/20/12

I completely agree with Chandler! It's the best silent film you could make in 2011. That's why we gave it 3's... wait, Chandler gave it a 2?

The artist is a fun movie about a time in movie history that most people don't know a lot about. I've seen some of the old silent movies and most of them wouldn't hold the attention of today's moviegoers. The Artist manages to be engaging, fun, and even at times sad. I thought it was an excellent movie that makes up for in entertainment value, what it lacks in dialogue.

Rating - 3

Shame - 2011

 Chandler - 12/17/12

Alright... so there's this British guy in NYC that is addicted to sex and porn. Which I guess is really just an addiction to getting off. Which guy isn't, right? Well Shame attempts to show sex addiction in all of its destructive glory. And from what I can tell, they did a decent job. However, the movie comes off as... life. It is what it is. The story exists. Millions of people are probably struggling to exist with the constant need to rub one out at work and finding hookers every night. In an attempt to have some sort of conflict, the guy's crazy sister unexpectedly moves in and messes up his routine.

Shame feels real. There's no resolution. But there are a ton of titties. And British penis. So something for everyone? Regardless, the movie took a rarely talked about topic and attempted to be honest. Two points for honesty.

Rating - 2

Tree of Life - 2011

Geoff - 12/16/2012

Let me start by saying Tree of Life is a visually beautiful movie. Well shot with dramatic sequences of plants growing, animals dying, and even a dinosaur or two. The problem is; that's the whole movie. No plot, no sense, and very little dialogue. It's essentially a 3 hour screen saver. It looks to be a lot of stock footage with a bunch of whispered voice overs that may or may not be actual words.

TOL stars Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, and Jessica Chastain... you'd think this would make for a decent cast to get something good on the screen. There are a couple of scenes where Penn mumbles to coworkers and talks on the phone, but it's mostly him wandering around looking lost. Mixed in with shots of Brad Pitt (his dad) letting him punch his hands and yelling at his mom about God knows what.

There are a lot of short choppy scenes which lead me to believe Terrence Malick has ADD and a giant ego. Maybe Malick had a bunch of stock video credits he had to use up before they expired or Perhaps he saw the cinematographer's demo reel and called the guy up.

TM   "Is this Emmanuel Lubezki?"
EL    "Yes"
TM   "I loved your demo reel and I want to work with you on a movie"
EL    "Great, what's the movie about?"
TM   "Nothing...I'm just bored. Maybe it's about EVERYTHING? I'm not sure, I'm too high to care. Actually, any way you can just make your reel two and a half hours long?"

Other reviewers of this movie think it's great cinema, and super artistic. They try to convince you that you're just not smart enough to understand it or it's over your head, because you're not savvy enough for its intricacies. That's shit, the movie is shit. Tree of Life is to cinema what Jackson Pollock is to painting; there is no better comparison.

If you think that is a great painting you'll probably love tree of life and you should also kill yourself.

If I had a time machine that could only be used once, I wouldn't used it to get rich or stop the Holocaust, I'd use it to keep myself from seeing this movie. In essence Tree of Life is Terrence Malick Jerking off for 139 minutes and I'm just not into that.

Rating - 1

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - 2011

Chandler - 12/14/12

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was boring. There are way too many characters, and the plot is a convoluted mess soaking in spy terminology, in an attempt to be a sophisticated mystery. No actor steals the show... and the only memorable scene involves someone unexpectedly getting shot in the face. I wanted to like it (because I like a lot of British movies), but I have no idea why this movie is on The List. There are a ton of better spy movies out there.

Rating - 1