Chandler - 1/3/13
War Horse in two words: "fucking terrible."
A local drunken farmer goes to a horse auction and is taken aback by the sight of a muscular thoroughbred. He wins him in a bidding war against his own landlord, and pays "30 guineas." Unfortunately, Drunkard needs a clydesdale who can actually do farm work. And his impulse buy has now put his farm in the red, and in danger of being reclaimed by the landlord.
"No problem!" exclaims Drunkard. "We'll just plow the ol' rocky field down the hill with THIS horse. And plant us some turnips to save the farm!"
Enter his son, Village Idiot, who develops an unhealthy relationship with the animal during a training montage. He successfully plows the field and plants the turnips, only for a rainstorm to ruin the crop in the next scene. So now the farm is fucked, again. Drunkard is forced to sell
Wait, what? So Drunkard broke even on the horse but lost valuable farming time and the cost of turnip seeds... and then still manages to save the farm? He would have been better off staying home and drinking instead of going to the auction in the first place! How fiscally unstable is this farm if losing money on seed is considered a good year? And should Drunkard really be running things? The entire premise told me I was in for 2.5 hours of horse shit.
But it got worse, and I can't ignore the first "epic" scene of this movie. Plow Horse finds himself in a cavalry charge against a German encampment. While initially successful, the Germans retreat to the woods where they have a line of machine guns. Nevermind that they were camping in front of their own defense lines (sigh...), but the Germans were able to mow down hundreds of British soldiers without killing any horses! Spielberg shows at least 40 horses safely reaching the German line sans cavalryman.
 |
| GTFO! |
A machine gun in WW1 sat on a tripod about two feet off the ground. It's impossible to shoot a rider without taking off the horses head. For someone who created the most realistic Normandy invasion in movie history (Saving Private Ryan), this is unacceptable. Not to mention that in a cavalry battle, you WANT to shoot the horses. They are a much bigger target and the fall makes the rider a sitting duck, if it doesn't kill him.
Eventually, we get to see a good depiction of a trench battle against the Germans, which ends in a mustard gas attack. It's engrossing and you feel for the characters as they stare down inevitable death. Coincidentally, this is also the only part of the film that doesn't have Plow Horse in it.
I'd like to also point out that thoroughbreds die all the time while racing. Yet Plow Horse is able to violently fall all over the place and run through barbed wire without breaking a leg. There must be something in those damn turnips.
There is NO reason this film should have been nominated for Best Picture.
Rating - 1
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Geoff - 1/9/13
War Horse is a long and eventful film that follows a horse named "Joey" through farming, war and back. But what makes this film excellent isn't the horse, it's the people. Joey's journey, and the war are merely a backdrop to all of the characters you get to meet along with way. This movie great because there are so many vignettes each with a new set of people and a new set of circumstances, yet they all have their lives touched by Joey.
There's a particularly great scene set in the middle of the war where the English and German soldiers, pause their battle to come together and rescue our "war horse". This epic keeps you tied in, waiting to see who you get to meet next and often leaves you wanting to follow a few characters further.
Rating - 3
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